Baby of Mine

July 8th, 2009. I'll never forget that evening. That's the evening I found out that Steve and I were expecting. Waves of emotion washed over me. Excitement, disbelief, amazement, worry, fear....

I was excited because of the obvious. We had been trying and finally! We were pregnant!

I was feeling disbelief because I had just told Steve if we didn't get pregnant that month, I wanted to take a break for a couple months then start trying again. I just couldn't believe I was actually pregnant. I kept looking at the test to make sure it said "yes", and sure enough, it kept saying "yes".

I was amazed at how fast I got pregnant after my miscarriage. I thought for sure it would take us a long time afterwards. I was afraid my body would take a while to get back in order again, but apparently, it only took it about a month!

And obviously, I was worried and afraid because of what happened in May. May 5th, 2009. Another date I will never forget. It was the most miserable day of my life. I was 5 weeks pregnant, and ended up losing our baby. It was the most helpless feeling in the world. I just had to lay down on the couch all evening and let it happen. I could hardly get up and walk around because my back hurt so bad, so there I lay....in a ball on the couch crying until my cries became dry heaves because I had no more tears left. That was probably one of the darkest times in my life. 

I was really not myself after it happened. I just kind of withdrew from everything. I couldn't really communicate how I was feeling. I could hardly even talk to Steve about it. I just wanted to pretend like it never happened. Normally, I am one to wear my heart on my sleeve, but I just tried to be tough & act like I wasn't hurting, but in reality, I'd never been hurting so badly.

I thought it would get easier as time went on, but in reality, it got harder. At first, I think I was just in schock. I hadn't really comprehended that I was even pregnant. It was hard for me to grasp that. I just couldn't picture myself as a mom. It just felt like a dream. As time went on, I was just really sad about losing a baby. I mean, I felt like it was my fault. Through my miscarriage, we found out that my blood type is O- RH-, so that means, that since Steve is RH+ then we will have RH+ babies...well, when RH + and RH - blood intermix, the person with RH- blood type (Me) will create antibodies against the RH+ positive baby and "get rid of it" essentially. So, I don't know if the baby wasn't developing right or if our blood mixed and my body fought the baby off. Whatever it is, I just felt like it was my fault.

Eventually, I just got pissed whenever I thought about it. I've never wanted to do anything in the whole world as badly as I've wanted to be a mom. When I was little I played house 24/7. I was always a "stay at home mom". That's all I've ever wanted to do! So, when I was pregnant, it felt like my dreams were coming true...I was close to having my "dream job", but then it just got taken away from me. I was FURIOUS! I would get so mad whenever I would see pregnant girls out in public or hear of teenage moms without husbands to help them raise their child. My thoughts were, "We have the finances to raise a baby, we have a house, I have a loving husband, we WANT this baby!" Why did it get taken away from me? ME OF ALL PEOPLE?! Life just wasn't fair.

But, life took a turn for the better. And I am soooo in love with my little baby. I am so excited about becoming a mom.

Steve and I got to see "Beans" (the baby) last Thursday. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Beans doesn't really look like a baby but more like a tadpole type thing. Haha! It's still adorable. And I can't wait to see him/her and give him/her tons of kisses and lots of hugs! We heard Beans' heart beat. I do have to say, that was one of the most breathtaking things I've ever experienced. Just to know that even though it's only 8 weeks old and the size of a blueberry, it has a heart beat....and that Steve & I MADE it! That's the coolest part! 

I have another ultrasound next week and I'm looking forward to it. I wish I could just have an ultrasound once a week. I just want to spend as much time staring at Beans as I can. I look at my ultrasound pictures a lot.

Tomorrow I will be 8 weeks. I look forward to Wednesdays now since that's when my "week" is. Every Wednesday I'm a week further along. Here's how Baby Beans is growing this week.

New this week: Webbed fingers and toes are poking out from your baby's hands and feet, his eyelids practically cover his eyes, breathing tubes extend from his throat to the branches of his developing lungs, and his "tail" is just about gone. In his brain, nerve cells are branching out to connect with one another, forming primitive neural pathways. You may be daydreaming about your baby as one sex or the other, but the external genitals still haven't developed enough to reveal whether you're having a boy or a girl. Either way, your baby — about the size of a kidney bean — is constantly moving and shifting, though you still can't feel it.

I can't believe the baby can MOVE!!!!!! How nuts is that?!